Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
