the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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