My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
