the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
