I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize