I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
