my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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