Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
