I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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