im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
