Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
