I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
