I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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