Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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