sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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