Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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