Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
