I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
