in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
