I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
