I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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