My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize