My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
