my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
