im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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