i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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