I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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