I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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