i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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