I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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