So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
