I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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