just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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