The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
As shirtless as possible
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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