i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
