Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
