Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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