Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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