I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The air taste purple.
Randomize
