You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
how does that bad decision feel?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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