i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
