She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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