dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
