i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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