My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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