Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
