dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
