I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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