I am puke
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Did I show you my penis last night?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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