I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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