My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
