Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
