Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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