so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
