so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
