I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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