It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
